I started blogging decades ago, during the heyday of blogger and Scary Mommy and BlogHer and mommy blogs. There, I found community, but as time went on I began to find my way as the type of writer I want to be. I started writing at Medium in March 2019, and that's where most of my writing happens these days. Still, there are some posts that just don't fit there, so I keep my trusty little blog handy here. To view a list of all posts, click here. Enjoy!

Twelve.

Dear Danny, 

Wow what a time to be... alive? A teenager? A person in the US? Really, anything. Today is November 8, which means that this letter is almost exactly 6 months late this year - not my best work, but in some ways I'm glad because this has been a year of so much growth and change for all of us.

Our year started off with our whole family coming down with Covid. We were pretty miserable for a week, but in the end it was probably good to get it out of the way and know that if it happened, we would be okay. We spent a lot of time in the living room watching movies and whining about being sick.

You finished your first year of middle school, and summer flew by. You marched with the Bellingham all-middle-school-band on Memorial Day weekend, and it was so much fun to watch you march by! I was so impressed by how good you guys were together after only a few practices. It's not set in stone, but I think I'll be pretty happy if you decide to be a band kid. You also attended your first band camp, which you loved. 

Last weekend, you decided you wanted a haircut, and there went your ponytail and the hair you've been growing long. Unlike your brother, you didn't just go for a short buzz, you had specific ideas about what you wanted, and the end product ended up reminding me of the boys in Bop magazine when I was your age (see: Devon Sawa & Jonathan Brandis). You also wanted to dye it blue, and we did that on Sunday night because you really wanted to go to school on Monday and surprise everyone with the full deal. You are so much like me in some ways - that is the exact way I'd want to do it!

You've changed so much over the last 18 months. You've gotten taller, your face has changed, you're solidly moving out of big-kid territory and into teenhood. It's been a strange time for me as a parent because you are in that in-between place of self-sufficiency and self-discovery, and still needing/wanting your mom. 

This year you got into speedcubing, and we've been to a couple of competitions. It's a lot of fun, everyone is really friendly and it's just a pretty wholesome hobby. I learned too, but I've let my skills lapse some and need to get back into practicing more often. I'm sure there are a ton of things I want to remember from this year, but it's so hard to think of all of them when I'm trying.

You're so smart, school is easy for you, and you get bored sometimes. But I think as you get older that will improve, especially once you get to high school and have more control over the classes you choose. You will be doing some extra math work in 7th grade so you can do a combined 8th/9th grade math in your last year of middle school. I think that will be really good for you. 

I love watching you come into your own as an almost-teen and a person. You are so much more confident and able to be your true self more than I was when I was in middle school. It makes me feel like I'm doing something right. I am excited to see what the next year (well, six months now) holds for us, and all the things you're going to do.

Love, 

Mom

Favorites!

Favorite Book:  Maybe Ender's Game?

Favorite Color: Blue
Favorite Song:  Almost anything Taylor Swift
Favorite Board Game:  Uno Flip maybe
Favorite Video Game: Spelunky & Minecraft
Favorite TV Show: Brooklyn 99
Favorite YouTubers:  Jack Sucks at Life, Doug Doug, Jet Lagged, Wilbur Soot
Favorite Food:  Pizza
Favorite Dessert: Sweetarts Ropes
Favorite Thing to Do Outside the House: Boulevard Park, Whatcom Falls Park, Neko Cat Cafe
Favorite Subject at School: Language Arts? Definitely NOT PE or Social Studies

Best Friends:  Miles, Nora, Aurora

Eleven
Ten
Nine
Eight
Seven
Six.
Five.
Four.
Three.
Two.
One.
Birth Story.

Sixteen!

Dear Sam,

I'm having trouble knowing where to begin this year. I'm sure I've said it before, but this one feels different. Sixteen is such a milestone, and we are rapidly approaching your official transition from teen to young adult. When I think about it, I'm still in disbelief that we are here, and that you have made it for 16 years with me as your parent.

This birthday letter is quite late, not for the first time. I've had it on my list to finish for such a long time, but it just hasn't happened. So, it's probably going to be a bit shorter than usual, but hopefully it means next year's letter will be even better. I can dream, right?! 

10th grade was a challenge. Middle school went so well, and between online school and the difference in curriculum and structure and lots of other things in high school, the transition didn't go as smoothly as we would have liked. At the end of 10th grade, I contacted the school and they were really great. Our experience with all of the special ed teachers has been so good. They worked hard to get you back on an IEP to help you be successful in 11th and 12th grade as well as figuring out how to transition into grown-up world. By the end of the year it was in place, and you started 11th grade at Options in the fall.

It's so strange to be a parent to a 'kid' who is nearing adulthood. You're self-sufficient now in so many ways. You don't really socialize or go anywhere, you're a homebody. You love your routine and are happy sticking to it. It has been really interesting to me over this last year especially to think about your autism and how it manifests. I found this graphic somewhere, and it really helped me understand how people who are on 'the spectrum' can be so different and varied in how it shows up with them. I know there are some challenges we've faced, but there area also strengths in how you see/experience/process the world.

Embracing your autism is something that I haven't talked to you about that much, but that I want to help you to see is not a bad thing or something that has to hold you back. I want to provide you with the tools you'll need to succeed in life and manage things. But you're figuring it out! You are so pragmatic, you have emotions and still get upset when things seem unfair or when Danny's being a pill. But you also don't get as upset about things that are just how life goes sometimes. You see the reason and practicality in things in a way that I don't always, even as an adult.

You've become a bit more independent this year - you've discovered the joy of being home alone, and you've accepted a bit more requests from me for help around the house without protest. You are funny and smart and kind. Those are the things that matter. Everyone enjoys your company, Grandma, and now Kate. You're a cool guy to hang out with. I must be doing something right. 

Of course I still wonder how you'll fare when you're in the world on your own, and it seems like there's so little time now before that is an actual possibility! But I think in the end everything will work out. I love you immensely, in ways it's hard to describe.

Love,

Mom

Favorites!

Favorite Book: John Dies at the End series
Favorite Color: Black
Favorite Song: CG5, Taylor Swift, a lot of musicians who write/publish on YouTube

Favorite Board Game: Garbage (with regular playing cards), Uno Flip
Favorite Video Game:  Kingdom of Loathing
Favorite TV Show: Brooklyn 99
Favorite YouTubers: DougDoug maybe
Favorite Food:  Pizza, waffles, chicken nuggets, mac & cheese
Favorite Dessert: Cake
Favorite Thing to Do Outside the House:  Eat out!

Fifteen

Fourteen
Thirteen
Twelve
Eleven
Ten
Nine
Eight
Seven
Six
Five.Two
Five.One
Four 
Three 
Two
One
Birth Story

Goodbye, 2021. You won't be missed. (Yearly Recap)

 1. What did you do in 2021 that you’d never done before?

Survived a global pandemic SOME MORE.

Went on vacation with Scott to San Diego.

Hosted Christmas Dinner.

Participated in a Craft Fair/Holiday Market.

Went to a cat cafe.

NYT Crossword 60-day streak.

Experienced an actual threat of violence happening at my kid's school.

Got an iron infusion.

Visited Jenn on San Juan Island.

Experienced school closures due to flooding.

Went on a Live-Stream as a guest.

Got a tattoo coverup.

Missed work for multiple days because of a jacked SI joint.

Spent the first of many weekends to come in Spokane with my Dad.

Got hearing aids.

Got addicted to My Favorite Murder.

Learned what it is to live in "heat dome." 100% do not recommend.

Gave up bras forever.

Had a good credit score.

Watched an entire trial - Derek Chauvin.

Asked my doctor to increase my Zoloft dosage.

Witnessed an insurrection, then witnessed it being denied.

Booked a trip to Mexico!

Saw my sister after SO LONG.

2. Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I don't really make resolutions at this point. I would like to read more this year. 

Last year I started taking myself on dates again, which contributed both to self-care and to having time to sit and read again. I would like to continue doing that this year. 

I also want to break my 60-day NYT Crossword streak.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

I don't think so.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Betty White, the every-grandma.

5. What countries did you visit?

Lol none. AGAIN.

6. What would you like to have in 2022 that you lacked in 2021?

More dates, with myself and others. 

7. What dates from 2021 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

May - Trip to Atlanta: My first time travelling since Covid, and spending time with my Mom and her sister. 

May - Trip to Colville to visit Kira and the girls. See link in question 1. 

July 11 - all my most loved ones in one place, Kate and her family, Kira and her girls, me, Scott, the kids, and Mom and Paul. It was the most lovely, heart-filling, fulfilling family gathering.

August - Trip to San Diego with Scott - a real vacation, our first one outside of WA/Vancouver BC. I loved traveling and exploring together.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Having an excellent credit score for the first time ever, at least for a while. Even though it's totally meaningless and an outdated concept.

9. What was your biggest failure?

I think that surviving the second full year of a pandemic and all its challenges means that we had no failures. 

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

I hurt my back at one point, and had to actually take 2 days off work because I could barely walk. So that was a fun new part of aging. I also had catastrophically low iron towards the end of the year, which resulted in having 3 iron infusions, a very interesting experience that magically improved my energy levels after the 2nd one. Figuring out why I'm so anemic is an ongoing process.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

Tickets to San Diego, a Mexico vacation, a new laptop... I'm not sure what else!

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

Doctors, nurses, first responders, morticians, scientists.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

A whole freaking lot of Americans. The "QAnon Shaman"

14. Where did most of your money go?

Living expenses. Not being able to go anywhere was good for the budget, and I finally started a savings account!

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Seeing Kira after so long apart. 

16. What song will always remind you of 2021?

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: a) happier or sadder? b) thinner or fatter? c) richer or poorer?

At the beginning of the year, I would have said neither? But now, writing this in February, 100% I am happier than last year due to a change in my brain stuff after having Covid.

Fatter, probably, but who fucking cares?

Richer

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Reading. Volunteering for CTL. 

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Being in my house.

20. How did you spend Christmas?

We spent Christmas day at home, while a mountain of snow fell upon us. We opened presents and probably watched a movie. We hosted Scott's parents and brother and sister in law for dinner, which was postponed to Dec 26 then to Dec 27 or 28 because of the snow. The ham pan leaked and covered the bottom of the oven in burnt ham juice, and filled the house with ham smoke. But the food was delicious, especially the sweet potato casserole and turkey and cranberries. Scott's mom gave us all personalized cards with sweet messages in them, which was really lovely.

21. Did you fall in love with 2021?

No.

22. What was your favorite TV program?

Schitt's Creek, hands down.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

Eh. I don't think so.

24. What was the best book you read?

Feminist Werewolf by Katie Anthony

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Lil Nas X and Dua Lipa

26. What did you want and get?

A Covid vaccine.

27. What did you want and not get?

To not have to wear a mask anymore. For people to act like decent humans.

28. What was your favorite film of 2021?

Dune or In the Heights

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I turned 41. The weekend before my birthday I went by myself to San Juan Island and stayed overnight, visited with Jenn, and explored Friday Harbor. I'm not sure why it is, but being on the ferry and in the islands really grounds me and feels like home. The day before my birthday, I took the day off and Kate and I ate delicious snacks and watched Promising Young Woman (finally). One day we had pizza and mom came over and brought me the world's most delicious pecan pie (and I've had a lot of pecan pies). 

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept of 2021?

Covid chic? LOL. Jeans, boots, and no more bras forever.

32. What kept you sane?

Scott. Xanax. Minecraft. Painting. Weed. Gin. 

33. What political issue stirred you the most?

Probably the Jan 6 treason that people refused to recognize as such.

34. Who did you miss?

My sister Kira.  

35. Who was the best new person you met?

Pat. 

36. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2021.

People will put their desire to not feel "told what to do" ahead of science and ahead of protecting themselves and fellow humans just out of misguided spite.

37. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

"Spending all your time tryin' to break a woman down,

realer shit is going on, baby, take a look around,

if you thought that I was ratchet with my ass hanging out,

just wait until the summer when they let me out the house,

bitch!"

Rumors . Lizzo + Cardi B

This is my 10th year doing this. It's a fun ritual to answer the same questions year after year and be able to look back.

Previous Lists:

2020

2019
2018
2017
2016
2015

2014
2012
2011

Fifteen.

Dear Sam,

For the second year in a row, I haven't managed to write this letter on time. I never thought I'd have to write you a second pandemic birthday letter, but here we are. 

There seem to be two main types of people: those who have enjoyed staying home and those who want nothing more than to go out and be with people. You have weathered the pandemic fairly well, I think probably the most challenging thing for you has been spending so much time in a house with your extrovert of a brother while he tried to get all his social needs met by you. It was a doozy.

Now it is November, and you've been back in school for half a semester. I don't think more kids have ever been more excited about going back to school than they were this year. You still have to wear a mask, but you and Danny both seem to just go with it.

Bellingham High School is.... huge. I've been inside a few times, and it was daunting. But you? You have classes on three floors, in two portables. You didn't go to orientation and found the classrooms no problem on your first day. You seem to mostly have friends by proximity, but even with only one person you name, it seems like you're glad to be back at school again. I think a lot of it is the routine it provides, and even though you don't love doing homework, I think you do like using your brain. You're also taking two different computer classes right now (programming and game design), so that makes for learning about things that are actually interesting to you.

I can't believe you're a sophomore, and that you've got less than 3 years of high school before you graduate. If you were any other kid, you'd be pushing for a learner's permit, but you don't have much interest in driving. I think the thought is still kind of scary to you and also you don't have a great desire to be out anywhere. I wonder if/when you'll be interested in it. 

Back in May, we celebrated your birthday on the big porch at Grandma's new house, we had a big pizza from McKay's and a very chocolatey cake. Every year, I love watching you open presents. You always laugh at the cards, and you genuinely appreciate each gift as you open it. I can see in those moments the kindness you have inside you, and that your ability to be positive and attentive is real. You face challenges with executive function - your ADD and mild form of ASD are like the perfect storm to make you seem forgetful or absentminded. Really, it's all just personality and chemicals and brain differences. I hope that in the next few years I can help you learn how to keep track of life in a way that works for you.

Despite flareups of sullen-ness and sensory overload, you are a pretty easygoing guy. You are agreeable much of the time, and argue a lot less than you used to about everyday things. Routine is definitely your friend, and that's okay. Last night you asked me to put your hair in a high ponytail so it would be out of your way while you were sleeping, then you let me take your picture because it looked hilarious, and when I looked at the picture of you with your head tilted to the side I saw so much of myself in you. I love how you just... are who you are.

During bedtime shows recently, Danny told you he loved you and you immediately replied that you loved him too, a lot. It's gotten harder as you've gotten older because you don't always want to do what he does or play with him. You fight sometimes, partly because he wants your attention and goes for it in negative ways. But you two are solid brothers who are able to love each other. You still have a lot of fun - lately you've been playing "Jeopardy" after bedtime shows, where Danny will ask ridiculous questions about geography and other things that you do not know the answers to. I like it because the vibe always ends up being so positive right before bedtime.

Lately there have been new challenges for me as a parent, and I wrote you another letter. I'm going to share an excerpt here:

You have a lot to learn. Everybody does when they are your age. Everybody has strengths and weaknesses, everybody has highs and lows. But I will not give you ultimatums. I will not tell you it is my way or the highway. You are my responsibility, but far beyond that you’re my family. You are a piece of my heart outside my body, and it is my job as your mom to help you succeed.

I don’t know how to reconcile my fierce, deep-seated need to protect you from one thing with my animalistic urge to protect you from this new threat. You are 15 now, no longer a little kid who I need to protect fully from the world. I have talked to you and your brother very little about the things that went wrong in my relationship with your other parent. But you’re getting to be old enough now where it is time that you might understand some of it. This is a brand new, unsteady ground I must navigate by following my heartstring back to you.

The day you were born, they put you in my arms and I fell into your eyes, dark blue pools of trust and family. The whole world melted away and nothing else mattered when you looked at me. I still see you the way I did that day — with unlimited potential and forever my baby.

I don't know what will happen in your relationship with your other parental household as you grow older, but I know that I am instilling in you that Scott and I will always be your home, and that is all that matters to me.

This year Grandma Edie and Grandpa Paul started telling you about Digipen, and my mind is unable to process the idea of you in college. You've only got 2 more years of high school left, and then you'll be almost a legal adult, and that blows my mind. I am so curious to see what you do and where you go. Whatever it is, I hope you'll always stay not to far away from me.

Love, 

Mom

PS I forgot to mention that you are gigantic. You are now the tallest person in the family besides Paul. I never expected you to be tall!

Favorites!

Favorite Book: Illuminae Series by by Amie Kaufman and Jay Kristoff
Favorite Color: Black
Favorite Song: Keter Qualities

Favorite Board Game: Stratego, but I'm only writing that because you played it with Danny last night
Favorite Video Game:  Antimatter Dimensions
Favorite TV Show: The Simpsons
Favorite YouTubers: Slimccl
Favorite Food:  Pizza, waffles, chicken nuggets, mac & cheese
Favorite Dessert: Cake
Favorite Thing to Do Outside the House:  Eat
Favorite Subject at School: Video Game Design
Best Friend: Andrew

Fourteen
Thirteen
Twelve
Eleven
Ten
Nine
Eight
Seven
Six
Five.Two
Five.One
Four 
Three 
Two
One
Birth Story

Eleven.

Dear Danny, 

This letter is very late. A lesson I never thought I would learn is how being in a global pandemic affects creativity and drive. But here we are! 

I wonder what you will remember most about this time when you are an adult, and how it will shape the way your generation interacts with the world long term. Better late than never, though! You're already so mad about me having a hard time remembering your first word that I would not want to miss these milestones I've created. Haha.

We celebrated your birthday with our family again, since parties were not yet advisable. We had dinner at El Agave by your request, and they put the sombrero on you and gave you a heaping plate of churros. Afterwards, we headed home for cake and presents with your parents, Grandma Edie & Grandpa Paul. For the second year in a row we did things sort of small but it was big smiles and big fun.

Now, it is October and you are finally back in school after 18 months of seeing almost nobody. It has been quite the adjustment. The mental overload after so little stimulation, being around so few people, having so few tasks to juggle has been something that's taken a lot of getting used to. First semester just passed the halfway point and we're now finally to the point where you're settling in some and feeling a tad less overwhelmed.

While it's been an exhausting time in a lot of ways, it's also been good. You are so social, and you love being around other people, and other people love being around you. Since you were little, the other kids always celebrated your arrival, and wanted to be near you. I think it's because you have such an enthusiastic energy about almost everything. I didn't get to know my Grandfather (your middlenamesake) as much as I would have liked, but you remind me so much of him. Your thirst for knowledge, your musicality, your congeniality, and the spark in your eye. I think he would have loved you.

You are still one of the most curious people I know, and it's something I love so much about you. You want to know everything about everything. I am sure there are dozens of things you know more about than I do. Last night after you brushed your teeth, we played country-finding games on the computer. You knew as many of the countries in Africa and Asia as I did. You thirst for knowledge, you're the kind of person who knows a bit about everything. You are at your happiest when you're using your brain to discover. 

You always surprise me, even 11 and a half years in. My new coworker told me you look just like me and it made me happy. You've got hair that falls most of the way down your back, it's thick and silky, and I braid it for you at night to try and keep away the tangles. This year, you dove into middle school with abandon, signing up for band club, yearbook club, and even running for ASB Secretary. You didn't win, but I'm so proud of you for trying something new. You're playing the clarinet, and I can't wait for your first band concert in January. 

You are still my constant companion. You were doing better with sleeping but then all kinds of things changed again. I know that some people think it's silly to sit with a kid every night while they fall asleep, and to be honest, there are nights where I don't really want to. At the same time, I know it won't be forever, and I try to remember that you're going to need me less and less and one day I will miss the quiet moments on the edge of your bed listening to Taylor Swift or singing House at Pooh Corner to you by the glow of your green nightlight. 

In a lot of ways, you are the soft-hearted one - you feel big, just like I do. I hope that I can instill in you an appreciation for the big joy and love you'll be capable of experiencing but also teach you how to get through when that openness means feeling the hard things so deeply. It can be a difficult thing to navigate, but the flipside is that you get to feel amazing things.

Piano is still on zoom, and we've got a routine. You had your fall recital recently (I can't wait to hear you play on the grand piano and have recitals in person - hopefully soon). You're now playing songs that have elements I never mastered. I'm so glad you've stuck with it. You've been able to pick up the clarinet much more easily since you already read music. 

You love math and this year your least favorite subject is Social Studies because your teacher is a bit dry and lecturey. You aren't super challenged by school, but still seem generally engaged. I thought you'd be a sports kid as you grew, but now I think you're probably going to be a band kid, which will be quite interesting.

Aside from Scott and I, you spend a lot of time with your Grandma Edie. She is like another parent for you, and I love that you have another safe person and safe space in your life. Your bond with her is wonderful. You got to go to Colville to see your Aunt Kira & Cousins Nora & Lila 3 times this year, and recently you've been asking me about when we can go back. 

Your relationship with your cousins is magical, the each time you meet it's like no time has passed. It makes me miss my cousin Emaleigh and think of days on the Ocean City Boardwalk, in her dorm at George Washington University, the perfect sunsets behind Phish at the Gorge, and roaming Reading Terminal Market. I hope these beautiful moments continue into your adulthood, and you stay thick as thieves.

My heart aches and bursts with the knowledge that you are on the precipice of not being a kid anymore. You have your own phone now and the other night you set up your voicemail message. You message with your friends sometimes. You still tell me about almost everything, but I can imagine that in a year or two you'll be leaving me in the dust. I'm happy for you because I think you're going to relish it, but it will be very strange to let out that line.

At the same time I look forward to parts of it, I know that our separation is going to affect us both deeply and profoundly. I am excited to see what you will do. Parents tell their children all the time that they can do anything they want to do, and I have no doubt that's true for you.

Love, 

Mom

Favorites!

Favorite Book:  Ender's Game by Orson Scott Card

Favorite Color: Blue
Favorite Song:  Still digging Taylor Swift, also listening to Owl City
Favorite Board Game:  Recently we've played Sorry, Blokus, and Guess Who
Favorite Video Game:  Minecraft is making a resurgence, we play together
Favorite TV Show: Still the Fox animated shows, but you recently started watching your first non-kid show: FBI. You are into it!
Favorite YouTubers:  Grian, Mumbo, Scar, Daniel Thrasher
Favorite Food:  Chips & Guacamole, Chips & Sauce, Bacon, Sausage, Pizza, Burritos
Favorite Dessert: Drumsticks, Smarties
Favorite Thing to Do Outside the House: Mini-golf? We have been outside the house much less this past year.
Favorite Subject at School: Math
Best Friends:  I don't know as many of your friends now, and you mostly see them at school. I know you are friends with Cas!

Ten
Nine
Eight
Seven
Six.
Five.
Four.
Three.
Two.
One.
Birth Story.

2020 in the Rearview

 1. What did you do in 2020 that you’d never done before?

Went 6 weeks without seeing Kate (okay I had done that before, but not since we met)

Survived a global pandemic (so far!)

Bought a brand new car, without a cosigner

Wore a mask every time I left my house

Got interviewed on a podcast (two actually!)

Handmade all my Christmas Cards (45 individual paintings)

Volunteered to get the vote out with Postcards to Swing States

Went a year without seeing my sister for the first time in my life

Finally figured out why everyone loves macarons so much

Went months and months without going to the movies

Voted for a woman Vice President and watched her win

Got a gold tooth

Felt my empath-ness more than ever in my entire life

Got highlights in my hair

Had a home office in my bedroom for a couple months (do not recommend)

Got my eyebrows tinted and experienced several moments of intense fear as the color processed:

Bonus COVID content: What I missed out on this year:

Celebrating my 40th birthday the way I wanted to

Going to NYC to eat and see shows with my girlfriend

Road tripping to Canada to see dinosaur bones

Seeing my sister and nieces in person even once

Watching my other sister graduate from college

2. Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I don't really make resolutions at this point.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

My friend Casey had a little girl with the most amazing hair I've ever seen.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Thankfully, no. I really thought I was going to lose people to COVID and it didn't happen.

5. What countries did you visit?

Lol none.

6. What would you like to have in 2021 that you lacked in 2020?

A COVID vaccine.

7. What dates from 2020 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

I mean they're all sort of blurred together.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Not having a nervous breakdown?

9. What was your biggest failure?

Nothing I did was a failure in 2020.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Nope.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

My Portland Leather purse and my Blueberry (2020 Subaru Impreza). Also, my first watercolors.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

Doctors, nurses, first responders, morticians, scientists.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

That fucking clown-bag we called 45.

14. Where did most of your money go?

Living expenses. Not being able to go anywhere was good for the budget, and I finally started a savings account!

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Um. I'm not sure about this one. 

16. What song will always remind you of 2020?

Exile - Taylor Swift

Mother's Daughter - Miley Cyrus

But most of all, WAP - Megan Thee Stallion & Cardi B

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: a) happier or sadder? b) thinner or fatter? c) richer or poorer?

Sadder. So much sadder.

Fatter, probably, but who fucking cares?

Richer

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Reading. Volunteering for CTL. 

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Being in my house.

20. How did you spend Christmas?

We spent Christmas day at home. The kids opened a frenzy of gifts, and the entire living room became a pit of gifts, boxes, and paper. Then we all read books.

21. Did you fall in love with 2020?

No.

22. What was your favorite TV program?

The Mandalorian.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

Derek Chauvin maybe.

24. What was the best book you read?

Big Little Lies by Liane Moriarty

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Taylor Swift (renewed)

26. What did you want and get?

A blue car!

27. What did you want and not get?

People to act like they cared about other humans enough to wear a mask.

28. What was your favorite film of 2020?

It's slim pickin' for favorites, but I unexpectedly loved Harley Quinn: Birds of Prey

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I turned 40 and it was underwhelming. I managed 10 days in a row off work and enjoyed a lot of gin.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept of 2020?

Pajamas.

32. What kept you sane?

Scott. Xanax. Minecraft. Painting. Weed. Gin. 

33. What political issue stirred you the most?

Black Lives Matter

34. Who did you miss?

My sister Kira.  

35. Who was the best new person you met?

I didn't meet many people, since we were all in our houses all the time. Virtually, my cousin's fiance Alison.

36. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2020.

Pandemics are not as fun in real life as when you watch a movie about them.

37. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.



Previous Lists:

2019
2018
2017
2016
2015
2012
2011

Ten.

 Dear Danny,

Well, it's September. It's been over four months since your birthday, and that time has gone quickly and at the same time, dragged on. We are in the midst of a global pandemic, which is something I never thought I'd be writing in a letter to you. A lot of things are happening now that we never thought of or expected. It's been hard, but we're making it through somehow, as a family.

For your birthday this year, there was just our family party this year, and you have been homebound now for over 5 months aside from visits to your other homes and the occasional walk at Lake Louise or the park. In the past few weeks, we went to IHOP and Grandma took you to Woods Coffee, and you went mini-golfing. But it was a long summer of not doing much of anything.

It's been harder emotionally for you to be without your friends and the mental stimulation school provides, but you are resilient. I wonder how you'll remember this year when you look back on it, what will stand out for you. You've been doing a lot of stream of consciousness writing, and in one of the books, during the smoke that descended on us from fires burning up and down the west coast, you wrote that it's not safe to go outside, but it already kind of wasn't because of Covid-19. I can't imagine what this whole situation looks like to someone your age.

I have had some difficult conversations with you and your brother this year, trying to teach you something about racism and political unrest. I told you about what happened to George Floyd, and I tried to help you understand at least a little bit about your privilege and how you can use it to help protect people. I don't know if I am doing all of this right, but I hope I'm making some kind of impression.

You are a whirlwind. You are not at all what I expected, but I think in some ways you're so much like me. You have big emotions, and you don't bottle them up, they fly out of you like tiny tornadoes. You cry more than Sam, mostly out of frustration when you feel unheard or like you can't effectively communicate. You are so good at everything you do that you get frustrated when you can't do something right or perfectly on the first try. Like everything, I suppose there are pros and cons to this.

Ten years in, you are still my baby. I think if you could be with me 24/7, most of that time in my lap, you would be. When I'm home, you want my attention almost all of the time. I love that you love me, and that you care for me. Last Friday when I couldn't contain my tears after hearing that Ruth Bader Ginsburg died, you hugged me and brought me Bowie (my seal stuffie), and gave me love. I still sit with you while you fall asleep at night, and you wake me up in the night sometimes to help you go back to sleep. I am tired. But I also look at it like so many other things - it's not going to be like this forever. One day you'll be more independent. To me, this is just... parenthood.

I am constantly astounded by your capacity for learning and your infinite curiosity. When I'm putting you to bed at night, you ask me questions about nebulas and other things you know more about than I do. The other night you asked me if the universe is flat (on a singular plane). I don't know the answers most of the time, and tell you to look it up the next day. 

Your piano lessons are on Zoom now, like so much else in our world. Your teacher is still amazing, and your desire to practice has ebbed and flowed, but your abilities amaze me. It seems like the pandemic has been good for piano and figuring out what motivates you and some new strategies for making practice more fun again. We missed having your spring recital, but there's going to be a virtual recital for fall, and I'm hoping by next spring we'll be able to gather and hear all of you play on the grand piano again.

Your face has changed completely since last year, it seems like you just made the transition from little boy Danny to big boy Danny, but I suppose transition is constant. You look more like me now, I see it in your cheeks and your nose, your body is getting ready for teenaged filling out and growth spurts, and I feel like time is going so quickly. I spent so much time when you were little in spaces of life where time went slowly, and now I feel like it's flying by. The other day we were out getting back to school photos by the lake, and you said "carry me," and the notion was so hilarious because I can't pick you up anymore! 

5th grade started a few weeks ago, and you've got classes on Zoom in the morning and independent working in the afternoons. You have taken to it so easily, I think you were just relieved to be in a space with your friends and teacher again even if it is a virtual one. You speak up more that I've ever heard you speak in a group setting, and I'm relieved that even if things can't be normal, they seem to be working okay. 

I don't know what the next year will hold, but I'm just so grateful that you have so much support and that we have been able to form a family bubble that provides for a little bit of variety. We are all so lucky. I'm excited to see how you are able to excel in new ways with the opportunities middle and high school will provide. I'm excited to see who you will become.

Love, Mom

Favorites!

Favorite Book:  Diary of a Surfer Villager, The Legend of Dave The Villager

Favorite Color: Red
Favorite Song:  Exile - Taylor Swift and Bon Iver
Favorite Board Game:  Fluxx, Munchkin
Favorite Video Game:  Minecraft
Favorite TV Show: The Simpsons, The Good Place
Favorite YouTubers:  Skeppy, Grian, Mumbo Jumbo
Favorite Food:  Pizza, Watermelon
Favorite Dessert: Ice Cream (Chocolate)
Favorite Thing to Do Outside the House: If there were anything, Squalicum Park 
Favorite Subject at School: PE
Best Friends:  This is 2020 we are not allowed to have friends. But, before Coronavirus, Austin and Kaden

Nine
Eight
Seven
Six.
Five.
Four.
Three.
Two.
One.
Birth Story.

Fourteen.

Dear Sam,

Well, it's September. The four months since your birthday have crawled and flown simultaneously, this birthday letter is so late. Your eighth grade year ended with a whimper, drowned out by the sounds of emergency piecemeal home schooling and quarantining. Covid-19 is going to be a defining experience for us all, and I'm not sure what the long term effects of all this will be. 

We celebrated your birthday as a family, which is all you ask for anyway. You're not one for parties or sleepovers. We had dinner with your other parents and grandma and you opened your gifts with gratitude and genuine appreciation.

Since then, you have started 9th grade in full distance-learning mode. You have classes in the mornings via Microsoft teams and work time in the afternoons. It's all very strange and different, but we are lucky to be in a school district that is doing an amazing job of creating the best possible situation for you and your classmates. Meanwhile, I'm at work wondering how you could possibly be in 9th grade already. A high-schooler.

Fourteen feels different than thirteen. Maybe I say that every year, but I always mean it. I am well into this new, strange part of my journey as a parent, and I still don't feel prepared. I don't always know what you're thinking or feeling anymore, and I don't have all the answers. You are becoming your own person and I have to let you, but it's so hard to let go. 

I remember being your age. I remember how big my feelings were, and feeling misunderstood and powerless. When we have conversations about rules and what is fair, and you rail back hard about things that in 25 years will seem inconsequential in hindsight, and I remember being there. I try to listen and give you grace. I think you as a teenager and Danny as a 10 year old is a bit of a hard season for me as a parent. You are old enough to have some added freedoms and privileges, but I'm a little lost as to how to make it happen without it seeming unfair to him. I guess life isn't fair.

You got sick earlier this year with some sort of cold and sore throat, and your voice became froggy. I realized that we were getting a preview of what you're going to sound like someday. Recently you came out of your room one night and started speaking to me, and before you rounded the corner from the hall, I thought it was Scott. It's just another sign that you are becoming more than just my kid.

I try to imagine you in the world, a home of your own, a job, friends, interests... it's hard. For all that parents look forward to their children growing up, I feel unprepared for this new type of worrying, the kind where I can't just step in and guide you. Four years to eighteen seems like such a short amount of time. Yesterday you were a baby smaller than our pet cat, and it feels like tomorrow I'll be watching you graduate and make your first moves as Sam the young adult. 

You have blossomed as you've grown - last year we made the decision to transfer you from the IEP you've had since you were 4 to just a 504 plan. It was a huge step, and in many ways your special ed story is exactly how it's supposed to go. Because you got the support you needed, as you grew, you adapted and blossomed and learned how to advocate for yourself and figure out ways to make school work better for you. You are on the edge of that place where you start to not need your parents anymore, where you don't need them in the way you did even two or three years ago. 

You are kind, and that is one of the things I am most proud of about you. Every night when you go to bed, we exchange I-Love-Yous and you tell me to have sweet dreams. You are an introvert and a bookworm, and if you could lay under a cozy blanket and read all day, I think you'd be perfectly happy. It reminds me of the way I used to be. You still like routine and dislike transition, and I can't really blame you, I'm not much fan of change either. You spend one afternoon a week (or more) with your Grandma Edie, and I am so thankful that you both have such a close relationship with my mom. You have a lot of family, a lot of adults who love you and support you. 

I'm not sure what else to say. I've had such a hard time writing this year, with everything feeling like it's exploding into flames around here. Pandemics, social uprisings, forest fires, and political unrest. We are safe and lucky, and one day you'll look back and realize how crazy things were when you started high school. You will always be my baby, but you are not my baby anymore. I love you.

Love, Mom

Favorites!

Favorite Book: 39 Clues, Dystopian Fiction
Favorite Color: Black but people say that's not a color, so red
Favorite Song: Taylor Swift

Favorite Board Game: ?
Favorite Video Game:  Undertale?
Favorite TV Show: The Expanse
Favorite YouTubers: Hermitcraft - Grian, MumboJumbo, Bdubs, Iskall
Favorite Food:  Pizza, beans & rice, chicken nuggets, mac  & cheese (some things don't change)
Favorite Dessert: White chocolate chips, popsicles, ice cream
Favorite Thing to Do Outside the House:  Hang out w/Grandma
Favorite Subject at School: Math?
Best Friend: ?

Thirteen
Twelve
Eleven
Ten
Nine
Eight
Seven
Six
Five.Two
Five.One
Four 
Three 
Two
One
Birth Story

Stay Home, Stay Healthy Day 57

It turns out that keeping a journal, or writing at all, during a global pandemic is easier said than done. When you are home the majority of the time, calendars melt like clocks in a Dali painting, and the ticking of the clock becomes nebulous. 

Everything is very strange. I tried to imagine earlier today what I would say to my one-year-ago self about what to expect, and everything sounds so unbelievable. We all believe it now.

You will own 7 face masks, in 3 different styles, and still be considering buying more. Especially once the County Health Department decides to direct people to wear masks indoors and out anytime social distancing can't be maintained. 

Your children will have been in your home, your car, your Mom's house, and their other parents house and nowhere else indoors for over 2 months, and it won't look like it's changing anytime soon.

Stay Home, Stay Healthy Day 1

Today is the first day of Governer Inslee's "Stay Home, Stay Healthy" order. All non-essential businesses have until the end of business tomorrow to shut down.

I work at a utility, so we are an essential service, but we'll be working pared-down hours and only one office staff will work each day. We'll work from home as best we can the rest of the time. We are working today and tomorrow, then will all be working from home Thursday. Next week, we'll start our rotation and see how things go.

I have been anxious and worried, and on Friday I had my doctor fill a new prescription for Xanax because I've been having anxiety and panic attacks like I haven't had since the time during my marriage's implosion over five years ago. I am trying not to worry about what's to come, even though I feel like it's going to be very, very bad.

Yesterday when our boss explained the plan, I felt a great sense of relief. I am extraordinarily lucky to work for an employer who is doing their best to offer us maximum protection while providing our customers with the best level of service we can manage. A huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders for the time being.

This morning, I had an idea. I have been worried about our grief - I wrote on Medium about how I don't know where all of our grief is going to go. Not just for the people we will lose, but for our inability to say goodbye or to mourn in the ways we are accustomed to. Beyond that, the loss of whatever our 'normal' was, and all of the things that seem so unsure and scary right now.

I've created a space on Facebook called the Whatcom County Covid19 Memorial. I've probably bitten off more than I can chew, but it feels right in that same way that things do when I know I have something to give. I'm hoping the page will become a place for humans to connect in this time of isolation, and where we can celebrate the lives of those we lose. Right now it's still kind of wispy and dream-like, so we'll have to see where it goes.

I'm feeling a little apprehensive about being at home with my family most of the time. I don't do the best when I'm cooped up, but hopefully we'll be able to manage, and having the kids maintain their time at their other house will definitely be a saving grace for me.

Stay Home, Stay Healthy Announced

Tonight, Governer Jay Inslee announced a Stay Home, Stay Healthy order for Washington State. This means that non-essential businesses must close and everyone is to stay home. I knew it was going to happen, and in fact, I feel like it should have been done sooner.

The Covid19 numbers for Washington are still low, but I know it's only due to lack of testing. The official numbers only show 2,200 positives and 110 deaths. I wonder what the real numbers are. It's frustrating to know that everything is so inaccurate and that things are being under-reported.

As for the United States, today cases increased by 10,000 in one day. It's only going to get worse. I keep reading firsthand accounts by doctors and one doctor from my local hospital has gone very public in the media and on Facebook about how woefully unprepared we are. I am afraid for my community, afraid for all of us.  I can't stop thinking about how people are so naive, unprepared, unwilling to accept how bad this really is.

We are living through something unprecedented. I wonder in a year, five years, ten years, how we will look back on these times. I wonder what our children will remember. I wonder who will not be there to look back on it with us.

Thursday March 19, 2020

Published on Medium today: One Family’s Story Highlights the Gross Mishandling of a Pandemic

In the heart of Washington, an example of how COVID cases in the U.S. are being under-reported and unrecognized.

Eighteen days ago in Bellingham, Washington, things were still normal. 90 miles north of Seattle, our town’s slogan is The City of Subdued Excitement, and we live up to that name. At the end of February, we’d all heard of Coronavirus, but none of us had added Covid-19, shutter in-place, or PCR to our daily vocabularies. To Janet Danielson*, it was a normal Saturday.

On February 29, Janet shopped, took care of her two young children, then met up with some friends for drinks. The bar filled up like it would any Saturday night, and she went to bed content.
The day she started to feel sick, people in Seattle were starting to take notice of this new, unusual virus. Three days later, Janet started to feel sick.

Read the whole story on Medium.

Wednesday March 18, 2020

Things that happened today:

Danny took his piano lesson by video for the first time.

I shared this on Facebook:

Real Talk: It's going to get MUCH, MUCH worse before it gets better.

**Please feel free to share. When you click the share button, you must select the box to "include original post" or it will only share the link and none of the below text.**

Attached is a link where you can read the Imperial College report based on accurate infection and death rate data sets from China, Korea & Italy. It's hard to read, so I've pasted below a really good summary written on Twitter by Jeremy C. Young, an Assistant Professor of History at Dixie State University.

The best case scenario is over 1,000,000 people dead in the U.S. This is not hyperbole or an overreaction. This is based on epidemic modeling.

I'm scared. What's happening right now is disturbing, and unprecedented. Everything is different now than it was in 1918 last time this kind of illness spread. We haven't faced anything like this. Yes, it's possible something extraordinary or unexpected could happen, like the discovery of anti-virals that are effective or a miracle treatment. But it's NOT LIKELY. We need to be behaving as if it's not possible.

It's normal to be scared. We can't panic, but we also need to start preparing ourselves mentally for what we're about to go through. What's happened so far is NOTHING.

xxx

"We can now read the report on COVID-19 that so terrified every public health manager and head of state from Boris Johnson to Donald Trump that they ordered people to stay in their houses. I read it yesterday afternoon and haven't been the same since. I urge everyone to read it, but maybe have a drink first, or have your family around you. It is absolutely terrifying. The New York TImes confirms that the CDC and global leaders are treating it as factual.

Here's a brief rundown of what I'm seeing in here. Please correct me in comments if I'm wrong.

The COVID-19 response team at Imperial College in London obtained what appears to be the first accurate dataset of infection and death rates from China, Korea, and Italy. They plugged those numbers into widely available epidemic modeling software and ran a simulation: what would happen if the United States did absolutely nothing -- if we treated COVID-19 like the flu, went about business as usual, and let the virus take its course?

Here's what would happen: 80% of Americans would get the disease. 0.9% of them would die. Between 4 and 8 percent of all Americans over the age of 70 would die. 2.2 million Americans would die from the virus itself.

It gets worse. Most people who are in danger of dying from COVID-19 need to be put on ventilators. 50% of those put on ventilators still die, but the other 50% live. But in an unmitigated epidemic, the need for ventilators would be 30 times the number of ventilators in the United States. Virtually no one who needed a ventilator would get one. 100% of patients who need ventilators would die if they didn't get one. So the actual death toll from the virus would be closer to 4 million Americans -- in a span of 3 months. 8-15% of all Americans over 70 would die.

How many people is 4 million Americans? It's more Americans than have died all at once from anything, ever. It's the population of Los Angeles. It's four times the number of Americans who died in the Civil War...on both sides combined. It's two-thirds as many people as died in the Holocaust.

Americans make up 4.4% of the world's population. So if we simply extrapolate these numbers to the rest of the world -- now we're getting into really fuzzy estimates, so the margin of error is pretty great here -- this gives us 90 million deaths globally from COVID-19. That's 15 Holocausts. That's 1.5 times as many people as died in World War II, over 12 years. This would take 3-6 months.

Now, it's unrealistic to assume that countries wouldn't do ANYTHING to fight the virus once people started dying. So the Imperial College team ran the numbers again, this time assuming a "mitigation" strategy. A mitigation strategy is pretty much what common sense would tell us to do: America places all symptomatic cases of the disease in isolation. It quarantines their families for 14 days. It orders all Americans over 70 to practice social distancing. This is what you've seen a lot of people talking about when they say we should "flatten the curve": try to slow the spread of the disease to the people most likely to die from it, to avoid overwhelming hospitals.

And it does flatten the curve -- but not nearly enough. The death rate from the disease is cut in half, but it still kills 1.1 million Americans all by itself. The peak need for ventilators falls by two-thirds, but it still exceeds the number of ventilators in the US by eight times, meaning most people who need ventilators still don't get them. That leaves the actual death toll in the US at right around 2 million deaths. The population of Houston. Two civil wars. One-third of the Holocaust. Globally, 45 million people die: 7.5 Holocausts, 3/4 of World War II. That's what happens if we use common sense: the worst death toll from a single cause since the Middle Ages.

Finally, the Imperial College team ran the numbers a third time, this time assuming a "suppression" strategy. In addition to isolating symptomatic cases and quarantining their family members, they also simulated social distancing for the entire population. All public gatherings and most workplaces shut down. Schools and universities close. (Note that these simulations assumed a realistic rate of adherence to these requirements, around 70-75% adherence, not that everyone follows them perfectly.) This is basically what we are seeing happen in the United States today.

This time it works! The death rate in the US peaks three weeks from now at a few thousand deaths, then goes down. We hit, but don't exceed (at least not by very much), the number of available ventilators. The nightmarish death tolls from the rest of the study disappear; COVID-19 goes down in the books as a bad flu instead of the Black Death.

But here's the catch: if we EVER relax these requirements before a vaccine is administered to the entire population, COVID-19 comes right back and kills millions of Americans in a few months, the same as before. The simulation does indicate that, after the first suppression period (lasting from now until July), we could probably lift restrictions for a month, followed by two more months of suppression, in a repeating pattern without triggering an outbreak or overwhelming the ventilator supply. If we staggered these suppression breaks based on local conditions, we might be able to do a bit better. But we simply cannot ever allow the virus to spread throughout the entire population in the way other viruses do, because it is just too deadly. If lots of people we know end up getting COVID-19, it means millions of Americans are dying. It simply can't be allowed to happen.

How quickly will a vaccine be here? Already, medical ethics have been pushed to the limit to deliver one. COVID-19 was first discovered a few months ago. Last week, three separate research teams announced they had developed vaccines. Yesterday, one of them (with FDA approval) injected its vaccine into a live person, without waiting for animal testing. Now, though, they have to monitor the test subject for fourteen months to make sure the vaccine is safe. This is the part of the testing that can't be rushed: the plan is to inoculate the entire human population, so if the vaccine itself turned out to be lethal for some reason, it could potentially kill all humans, which is a lot worse than 90 million deaths. Assuming the vaccine is safe and effective, it will still take several months to produce enough to inoculate the global population. For this reason, the Imperial College team estimated it will be about 18 months until the vaccine is available.

During those 18 months, things are going to be very difficult and very scary. Our economy and our society will be disrupted in profound ways. Worst of all, if the suppression policies actually work, it will feel like we are doing all this for nothing, because the infection and death rates will be very low. It's easy to get people to come together in common sacrifice in the middle of a war. It's very hard to get them to do so in a pandemic that looks invisible precisely because suppression methods are working. But that's exactly what we're going to have to do.”

Study Link

Within hours, my friend provides another study suggesting this isn't accurate either. Information changes so fast and so widely that it's hard to know what's going on at all.

Tue March 17, 2020

As it's become apparent that what we are facing with Covid-19 is like nothing most of us have seen in our lifetimes, I've decided to keep a diary or log. I'm still writing at Medium, but I need a place to share random thoughts, un-hinged feelings, and some good old semi-coherent disbelief about what life has become.

Today is the 2nd day of schools being closed statewide. The kids were not excited about the closures, they'd rather be at school, and Danny would certainly rather be with his friends, especially given that I'm still working.

Tomorrow, we'll be closing our office to the public, but we'll keep working. Things change so fast, day by day, and it's hard to know what's going to be happening at the end of this week or the beginning of next week.

Today was the day I finally tipped from having a shred of optimism to just scared and unsure. Super cool! Anticipation and uncertainty are not my strong suits. I finally cried the ugly cry and it felt good. I'm trying to just remember we are all in the same boat. I miss my Kat. I miss obliviousness. I miss standing on the shore with waves lapping at my ankles rather than standing there watching all the water be sucked out to sea and waiting for the wave.

2019 in Review

1. What did you do in 2019 that you’d never done before?

Got paid for my own writing in a meaningful way.
Earned a professional certification (aPHR).
Dealt with being the subject of a misconduct investigation at work.
Finally started my own book club.
Signed up for a Memoir Writing Workshop.
Went to a clairvoyant for a reading.
Watched someone give birth.
Bought a 2 piece swimsuit.

2. Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

These were my intentions for 2019. I feel like I met most of them in a way I haven't for quite a while. I blew my writing goals out of the water, even though it didn't involve my book (yet). I used my creative muscles. I attended Write Doe Bay again in October, and started a writing workshop in December. And, I paid off one of my credit cards.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Yes, my best friend Kate had a beautiful baby boy and I got to be there to watch him be born. It was one of the most magical experiences I've ever had.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Not this year.

5. What countries did you visit?

I went to Canada at least once.

6. What would you like to have in 2020 that you lacked in 2019?

Better sleep (I need to go to bed earlier).  More willpower.  More love.

7. What dates from 2019 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

February 2 - Witnessed the birth of the amazing August.
March - Visiting Kira and the girls in Colville
July 4 weekend - Visiting Moclips
October 13-15 - Write Doe Bay 15

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Writing. So much.

9. What was your biggest failure?

I don't know if I really failed much, but money management is still not my strong suit.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

I wasn't sick much this year!  Mostly hormonal stuff. I figured out I was allergic to Metformin and it was giving me hives, which was sort of an ordeal.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

My ticket to Write Doe Bay.  Tickets to see Jon Boogz and Lil Buck with Kate, Gloria Steinem with Mom, and Hillary Clinton with Scott. Tickets to Colville.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

Honestly, I don't think Scott can ever not be on this list.  He supports me more than I can even describe.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

A few people.  Not the least of which is our Commander in Chief.

14. Where did most of your money go?

Food, living expenses, bills

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Write Doe Bay (this will always be on the list)
August (the baby, not the month)
Seeing Jon Boogs & Lil Buck
Regal Cinemas Unlimited plan

16. What song will always remind you of 2019?

Truth Hurts & Good as Hell by Lizzo
Old Town Road

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: a) happier or sadder? b) thinner or fatter? c) richer or poorer?

Maybe a little happier?  Definitely more stable.

Fatter, but who fucking cares?

Richer

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Reading. Volunteering for CTL.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Going to the doctor. Having blood drawn.

20. How did you spend Christmas?

We spent Christmas day at home. We opened presents and I'm pretty sure I took a nap. We ate bacon and cinnamon coffee cake and candy. We celebrated Christmas with Scott's family the following Saturday.

21. Did you fall in love with 2019?

I think I did. It's been a while since that's happened.

22. What was your favorite TV program?

The Good Place. The Magicians. Lost in Space.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

Maybe a little bit.

24. What was the best book you read?

Landwhale by Jes Baker

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Fucking Lizzo. 100%

26. What did you want and get?

A bunch of unicorns and dinosaurs. Tickets to some really great shows.

27. What did you want and not get?

Hmm....  I can't think of much right at the moment, which is pretty great.

28. What was your favorite film of 2019?

Knives Out

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I turned 39 this year.  On my birthday, I had a party, but only my best friend and her husband and my mom came. That was fine! We drank and laughed and ate this crazy-ass unicorn cake my mom made for me. During my birthday week I got to go to a dance show with Kate, to see Gloria Steinem with Mom, and to see Waitress with my friend Greg. It was great.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept of 2019?

Cardigans.

32. What kept you sane?

Scott.  Trish (my workwife haha).  Kate.  Zoloft.  Melted Cheese.  Writing.  Love.  Jurassic movies.

33. What political issue stirred you the most?

Oh lord. Immigration. Climate Change. Iraq.

34. Who did you miss?

My sister Kira.  My BSPC community.

35. Who was the best new person you met?

August Riehl

36. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2019.

You don't have to know where to begin to begin.

37. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

I just took a DNA test, turns out, I'm 100% that bitch.

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2011

Nine

Dear Danny,

We got your spring photos from school this week, and when I opened the frame to put it in, I was suddenly faced with your spring photo from last year. Seeing how much you have changed in just one year took my breath away.

This is my favorite school picture of you so far. You look happy and confident. I asked if they told you to tuck your shirt in, and you said, no, you did it!  I guess you saw other kids with theirs tucked in and decided to? I love your long hair that you don't want cut and the way we can see your painted nails with the pattern you picked out.

You have a big heart and a big mind and big emotions in a body that's still small enough to get put in the front row in your class pictures. You've gotten taller recently, but you've still got some shirts you've had for two years or more that fit you. When I showed my coworker your most recent school picture, she said you looked just like me.

You are a force to be reckoned with. It seems like no matter what you try, you're impressively good at it. You blow my mind constantly with the things you're able to do. It can be hard sometimes, because you want to do everything and when you can't do things right the first time you try, you get frustrated. You absorb knowledge like some kind of giant human sponge, everything from information about world flags, to the worlds tallest buildings, to anything and everything about space you can get your hands on. You love facts and numbers, and you spend your free time reading biographies about anyone from Steve Job to Thomas Jefferson to Martin Luther King Jr.

Our biggest challenge right now is that you have such big emotions, and you don't always know how to handle them. There's been a lot of screaming and some hitting and you tend to yell "Stop talking to me" or "You're making me madder!" a lot when you get frustrated. It's been hard because I don't always know how to give you the tools to help yourself. You get into it with Sam a lot recently, you know exactly how to push his buttons, and you do it.  It reminds me some of me and my sister, she always knew how to get a reaction from me.  You younger siblings.

You want to learn how to ride your bike without training wheels, but the fact that the only way to get there is with a lot of practice and falling down seems maddening to you. Scott took the pedals off your old, smaller bike so you can try practicing just balancing without pedals, so we're hoping that will help.  Once you get the hang of it, you'll be able to go riding with Scott, which would be an amazing activity to do together.

You have been playing the piano for two years now, and you are amazing. You enjoy playing even though sometimes you complain about practicing, and for the second year you did the music artistry program and auditioned for the Washington State Piano Guild.  You had to memorize ten pieces, sight read a piece, and make something up on the spot, all in a room by yourself with the judge. You got rave reviews. I'm so, so proud of you.

You still love playing with cars, and your favorite thing to do at Emily & Megans is play with blocks.

You have tons of Jenga and Keva Blocks and you build towers and structures. Sometimes you take pictures with your tablet and show me when you come back home.

You still love playing Roblox, and you love coding and making little games and things in Scratch. I feel like you want to do everything. This year you've gotten a lot more confident about your physical body and abilities, and you do things like cross the monkey bars and jump from high places. I think that soon you'll probably be in another sport besides swimming, you've told me you like soccer and basketball the most.

All kids seem to have a transition years where they suddenly seem so much older than the year before. Nine feels so much different than eight. You're still shy, but you've gotten so much more independent. Last week, you started walking up the hill from the school bus stop to our house by yourself.

I can't believe you're going to be in fourth grade later this year. You still ask for a lot of hugs and love to lay and cuddle with me in the mornings, but I'm finally starting to see and feel the edges of that slipping away. Somehow, we've actually reached a point where I can just feel in my heart that you're not going to be my baby forever. I'm ready, but I will never be ready.

Happy birthday, little dude.

Love,
Mom

Favorites!

Favorite Book:  Any biography from the "Who is/Who was" series, Anything about space
Favorite Song:  Something Wild from Pete's Dragon
Favorite Board Game:  Castle Panic, Rummikub
Favorite Video Game:  Roblox, Minecraft, Trials
Favorite TV Show: Fresh Off the Boat, Futurama, Bob's Burgers, The Simpsons
Favorite YouTubers:  Real Life Lore, Unspeakable
Favorite Food:  Pizza, Chips & Sauce
Favorite Dessert: Ice Cream
Favorite Thing to Do Outside the House: Spark Museum, Riding your bike, Happy Valley Elementary Playground
Favorite Subject at School: PE
Best Friends:  Rhett, Judson, Scott

Eight
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One.
Birth Story.