Twelve.

Dear Danny, 

Wow what a time to be... alive? A teenager? A person in the US? Really, anything. Today is November 8, which means that this letter is almost exactly 6 months late this year - not my best work, but in some ways I'm glad because this has been a year of so much growth and change for all of us.

Our year started off with our whole family coming down with Covid. We were pretty miserable for a week, but in the end it was probably good to get it out of the way and know that if it happened, we would be okay. We spent a lot of time in the living room watching movies and whining about being sick.

You finished your first year of middle school, and summer flew by. You marched with the Bellingham all-middle-school-band on Memorial Day weekend, and it was so much fun to watch you march by! I was so impressed by how good you guys were together after only a few practices. It's not set in stone, but I think I'll be pretty happy if you decide to be a band kid. You also attended your first band camp, which you loved. 

Last weekend, you decided you wanted a haircut, and there went your ponytail and the hair you've been growing long. Unlike your brother, you didn't just go for a short buzz, you had specific ideas about what you wanted, and the end product ended up reminding me of the boys in Bop magazine when I was your age (see: Devon Sawa & Jonathan Brandis). You also wanted to dye it blue, and we did that on Sunday night because you really wanted to go to school on Monday and surprise everyone with the full deal. You are so much like me in some ways - that is the exact way I'd want to do it!

You've changed so much over the last 18 months. You've gotten taller, your face has changed, you're solidly moving out of big-kid territory and into teenhood. It's been a strange time for me as a parent because you are in that in-between place of self-sufficiency and self-discovery, and still needing/wanting your mom. 

This year you got into speedcubing, and we've been to a couple of competitions. It's a lot of fun, everyone is really friendly and it's just a pretty wholesome hobby. I learned too, but I've let my skills lapse some and need to get back into practicing more often. I'm sure there are a ton of things I want to remember from this year, but it's so hard to think of all of them when I'm trying.

You're so smart, school is easy for you, and you get bored sometimes. But I think as you get older that will improve, especially once you get to high school and have more control over the classes you choose. You will be doing some extra math work in 7th grade so you can do a combined 8th/9th grade math in your last year of middle school. I think that will be really good for you. 

I love watching you come into your own as an almost-teen and a person. You are so much more confident and able to be your true self more than I was when I was in middle school. It makes me feel like I'm doing something right. I am excited to see what the next year (well, six months now) holds for us, and all the things you're going to do.

Love, 

Mom

Favorites!

Favorite Book:  Maybe Ender's Game?

Favorite Color: Blue
Favorite Song:  Almost anything Taylor Swift
Favorite Board Game:  Uno Flip maybe
Favorite Video Game: Spelunky & Minecraft
Favorite TV Show: Brooklyn 99
Favorite YouTubers:  Jack Sucks at Life, Doug Doug, Jet Lagged, Wilbur Soot
Favorite Food:  Pizza
Favorite Dessert: Sweetarts Ropes
Favorite Thing to Do Outside the House: Boulevard Park, Whatcom Falls Park, Neko Cat Cafe
Favorite Subject at School: Language Arts? Definitely NOT PE or Social Studies

Best Friends:  Miles, Nora, Aurora

Eleven
Ten
Nine
Eight
Seven
Six.
Five.
Four.
Three.
Two.
One.
Birth Story.

Sixteen!

Dear Sam,

I'm having trouble knowing where to begin this year. I'm sure I've said it before, but this one feels different. Sixteen is such a milestone, and we are rapidly approaching your official transition from teen to young adult. When I think about it, I'm still in disbelief that we are here, and that you have made it for 16 years with me as your parent.

This birthday letter is quite late, not for the first time. I've had it on my list to finish for such a long time, but it just hasn't happened. So, it's probably going to be a bit shorter than usual, but hopefully it means next year's letter will be even better. I can dream, right?! 

10th grade was a challenge. Middle school went so well, and between online school and the difference in curriculum and structure and lots of other things in high school, the transition didn't go as smoothly as we would have liked. At the end of 10th grade, I contacted the school and they were really great. Our experience with all of the special ed teachers has been so good. They worked hard to get you back on an IEP to help you be successful in 11th and 12th grade as well as figuring out how to transition into grown-up world. By the end of the year it was in place, and you started 11th grade at Options in the fall.

It's so strange to be a parent to a 'kid' who is nearing adulthood. You're self-sufficient now in so many ways. You don't really socialize or go anywhere, you're a homebody. You love your routine and are happy sticking to it. It has been really interesting to me over this last year especially to think about your autism and how it manifests. I found this graphic somewhere, and it really helped me understand how people who are on 'the spectrum' can be so different and varied in how it shows up with them. I know there are some challenges we've faced, but there area also strengths in how you see/experience/process the world.

Embracing your autism is something that I haven't talked to you about that much, but that I want to help you to see is not a bad thing or something that has to hold you back. I want to provide you with the tools you'll need to succeed in life and manage things. But you're figuring it out! You are so pragmatic, you have emotions and still get upset when things seem unfair or when Danny's being a pill. But you also don't get as upset about things that are just how life goes sometimes. You see the reason and practicality in things in a way that I don't always, even as an adult.

You've become a bit more independent this year - you've discovered the joy of being home alone, and you've accepted a bit more requests from me for help around the house without protest. You are funny and smart and kind. Those are the things that matter. Everyone enjoys your company, Grandma, and now Kate. You're a cool guy to hang out with. I must be doing something right. 

Of course I still wonder how you'll fare when you're in the world on your own, and it seems like there's so little time now before that is an actual possibility! But I think in the end everything will work out. I love you immensely, in ways it's hard to describe.

Love,

Mom

Favorites!

Favorite Book: John Dies at the End series
Favorite Color: Black
Favorite Song: CG5, Taylor Swift, a lot of musicians who write/publish on YouTube

Favorite Board Game: Garbage (with regular playing cards), Uno Flip
Favorite Video Game:  Kingdom of Loathing
Favorite TV Show: Brooklyn 99
Favorite YouTubers: DougDoug maybe
Favorite Food:  Pizza, waffles, chicken nuggets, mac & cheese
Favorite Dessert: Cake
Favorite Thing to Do Outside the House:  Eat out!

Fifteen

Fourteen
Thirteen
Twelve
Eleven
Ten
Nine
Eight
Seven
Six
Five.Two
Five.One
Four 
Three 
Two
One
Birth Story

Ten.

 Dear Danny,

Well, it's September. It's been over four months since your birthday, and that time has gone quickly and at the same time, dragged on. We are in the midst of a global pandemic, which is something I never thought I'd be writing in a letter to you. A lot of things are happening now that we never thought of or expected. It's been hard, but we're making it through somehow, as a family.

For your birthday this year, there was just our family party this year, and you have been homebound now for over 5 months aside from visits to your other homes and the occasional walk at Lake Louise or the park. In the past few weeks, we went to IHOP and Grandma took you to Woods Coffee, and you went mini-golfing. But it was a long summer of not doing much of anything.

It's been harder emotionally for you to be without your friends and the mental stimulation school provides, but you are resilient. I wonder how you'll remember this year when you look back on it, what will stand out for you. You've been doing a lot of stream of consciousness writing, and in one of the books, during the smoke that descended on us from fires burning up and down the west coast, you wrote that it's not safe to go outside, but it already kind of wasn't because of Covid-19. I can't imagine what this whole situation looks like to someone your age.

I have had some difficult conversations with you and your brother this year, trying to teach you something about racism and political unrest. I told you about what happened to George Floyd, and I tried to help you understand at least a little bit about your privilege and how you can use it to help protect people. I don't know if I am doing all of this right, but I hope I'm making some kind of impression.

You are a whirlwind. You are not at all what I expected, but I think in some ways you're so much like me. You have big emotions, and you don't bottle them up, they fly out of you like tiny tornadoes. You cry more than Sam, mostly out of frustration when you feel unheard or like you can't effectively communicate. You are so good at everything you do that you get frustrated when you can't do something right or perfectly on the first try. Like everything, I suppose there are pros and cons to this.

Ten years in, you are still my baby. I think if you could be with me 24/7, most of that time in my lap, you would be. When I'm home, you want my attention almost all of the time. I love that you love me, and that you care for me. Last Friday when I couldn't contain my tears after hearing that Ruth Bader Ginsburg died, you hugged me and brought me Bowie (my seal stuffie), and gave me love. I still sit with you while you fall asleep at night, and you wake me up in the night sometimes to help you go back to sleep. I am tired. But I also look at it like so many other things - it's not going to be like this forever. One day you'll be more independent. To me, this is just... parenthood.

I am constantly astounded by your capacity for learning and your infinite curiosity. When I'm putting you to bed at night, you ask me questions about nebulas and other things you know more about than I do. The other night you asked me if the universe is flat (on a singular plane). I don't know the answers most of the time, and tell you to look it up the next day. 

Your piano lessons are on Zoom now, like so much else in our world. Your teacher is still amazing, and your desire to practice has ebbed and flowed, but your abilities amaze me. It seems like the pandemic has been good for piano and figuring out what motivates you and some new strategies for making practice more fun again. We missed having your spring recital, but there's going to be a virtual recital for fall, and I'm hoping by next spring we'll be able to gather and hear all of you play on the grand piano again.

Your face has changed completely since last year, it seems like you just made the transition from little boy Danny to big boy Danny, but I suppose transition is constant. You look more like me now, I see it in your cheeks and your nose, your body is getting ready for teenaged filling out and growth spurts, and I feel like time is going so quickly. I spent so much time when you were little in spaces of life where time went slowly, and now I feel like it's flying by. The other day we were out getting back to school photos by the lake, and you said "carry me," and the notion was so hilarious because I can't pick you up anymore! 

5th grade started a few weeks ago, and you've got classes on Zoom in the morning and independent working in the afternoons. You have taken to it so easily, I think you were just relieved to be in a space with your friends and teacher again even if it is a virtual one. You speak up more that I've ever heard you speak in a group setting, and I'm relieved that even if things can't be normal, they seem to be working okay. 

I don't know what the next year will hold, but I'm just so grateful that you have so much support and that we have been able to form a family bubble that provides for a little bit of variety. We are all so lucky. I'm excited to see how you are able to excel in new ways with the opportunities middle and high school will provide. I'm excited to see who you will become.

Love, Mom

Favorites!

Favorite Book:  Diary of a Surfer Villager, The Legend of Dave The Villager

Favorite Color: Red
Favorite Song:  Exile - Taylor Swift and Bon Iver
Favorite Board Game:  Fluxx, Munchkin
Favorite Video Game:  Minecraft
Favorite TV Show: The Simpsons, The Good Place
Favorite YouTubers:  Skeppy, Grian, Mumbo Jumbo
Favorite Food:  Pizza, Watermelon
Favorite Dessert: Ice Cream (Chocolate)
Favorite Thing to Do Outside the House: If there were anything, Squalicum Park 
Favorite Subject at School: PE
Best Friends:  This is 2020 we are not allowed to have friends. But, before Coronavirus, Austin and Kaden

Nine
Eight
Seven
Six.
Five.
Four.
Three.
Two.
One.
Birth Story.

Fourteen.

Dear Sam,

Well, it's September. The four months since your birthday have crawled and flown simultaneously, this birthday letter is so late. Your eighth grade year ended with a whimper, drowned out by the sounds of emergency piecemeal home schooling and quarantining. Covid-19 is going to be a defining experience for us all, and I'm not sure what the long term effects of all this will be. 

We celebrated your birthday as a family, which is all you ask for anyway. You're not one for parties or sleepovers. We had dinner with your other parents and grandma and you opened your gifts with gratitude and genuine appreciation.

Since then, you have started 9th grade in full distance-learning mode. You have classes in the mornings via Microsoft teams and work time in the afternoons. It's all very strange and different, but we are lucky to be in a school district that is doing an amazing job of creating the best possible situation for you and your classmates. Meanwhile, I'm at work wondering how you could possibly be in 9th grade already. A high-schooler.

Fourteen feels different than thirteen. Maybe I say that every year, but I always mean it. I am well into this new, strange part of my journey as a parent, and I still don't feel prepared. I don't always know what you're thinking or feeling anymore, and I don't have all the answers. You are becoming your own person and I have to let you, but it's so hard to let go. 

I remember being your age. I remember how big my feelings were, and feeling misunderstood and powerless. When we have conversations about rules and what is fair, and you rail back hard about things that in 25 years will seem inconsequential in hindsight, and I remember being there. I try to listen and give you grace. I think you as a teenager and Danny as a 10 year old is a bit of a hard season for me as a parent. You are old enough to have some added freedoms and privileges, but I'm a little lost as to how to make it happen without it seeming unfair to him. I guess life isn't fair.

You got sick earlier this year with some sort of cold and sore throat, and your voice became froggy. I realized that we were getting a preview of what you're going to sound like someday. Recently you came out of your room one night and started speaking to me, and before you rounded the corner from the hall, I thought it was Scott. It's just another sign that you are becoming more than just my kid.

I try to imagine you in the world, a home of your own, a job, friends, interests... it's hard. For all that parents look forward to their children growing up, I feel unprepared for this new type of worrying, the kind where I can't just step in and guide you. Four years to eighteen seems like such a short amount of time. Yesterday you were a baby smaller than our pet cat, and it feels like tomorrow I'll be watching you graduate and make your first moves as Sam the young adult. 

You have blossomed as you've grown - last year we made the decision to transfer you from the IEP you've had since you were 4 to just a 504 plan. It was a huge step, and in many ways your special ed story is exactly how it's supposed to go. Because you got the support you needed, as you grew, you adapted and blossomed and learned how to advocate for yourself and figure out ways to make school work better for you. You are on the edge of that place where you start to not need your parents anymore, where you don't need them in the way you did even two or three years ago. 

You are kind, and that is one of the things I am most proud of about you. Every night when you go to bed, we exchange I-Love-Yous and you tell me to have sweet dreams. You are an introvert and a bookworm, and if you could lay under a cozy blanket and read all day, I think you'd be perfectly happy. It reminds me of the way I used to be. You still like routine and dislike transition, and I can't really blame you, I'm not much fan of change either. You spend one afternoon a week (or more) with your Grandma Edie, and I am so thankful that you both have such a close relationship with my mom. You have a lot of family, a lot of adults who love you and support you. 

I'm not sure what else to say. I've had such a hard time writing this year, with everything feeling like it's exploding into flames around here. Pandemics, social uprisings, forest fires, and political unrest. We are safe and lucky, and one day you'll look back and realize how crazy things were when you started high school. You will always be my baby, but you are not my baby anymore. I love you.

Love, Mom

Favorites!

Favorite Book: 39 Clues, Dystopian Fiction
Favorite Color: Black but people say that's not a color, so red
Favorite Song: Taylor Swift

Favorite Board Game: ?
Favorite Video Game:  Undertale?
Favorite TV Show: The Expanse
Favorite YouTubers: Hermitcraft - Grian, MumboJumbo, Bdubs, Iskall
Favorite Food:  Pizza, beans & rice, chicken nuggets, mac  & cheese (some things don't change)
Favorite Dessert: White chocolate chips, popsicles, ice cream
Favorite Thing to Do Outside the House:  Hang out w/Grandma
Favorite Subject at School: Math?
Best Friend: ?

Thirteen
Twelve
Eleven
Ten
Nine
Eight
Seven
Six
Five.Two
Five.One
Four 
Three 
Two
One
Birth Story

Eleven!

Dear Sam,

I can't get over how humongous you are.  Seriously.  I feel like this was the year you transitioned from seeming like a kid to just seeming like... a young PERSON.

Though you still get worked up about some things, I feel like you have also mellowed out considerably in other ways.  You seem to have found more a rhythm at school this year with your peers, and you've got a small group of friends.  Every time we're at a school event, kids are saying Hello to you and I don't even know who they are!

I guess that 5th grade was a bit the beginning of me feeling like there are things about you that I don't know.  When you were little, I could imagine your life at school and with your friends, how you were, what you might have talked about, the way you played and what the day looked like.  Now that you are older, I don't think I know anymore.  I have always worried about you, because I'm your mommy and that's kind of my job, and I can't really help it.  As you've gotten older though, I have become more confident in you.  Even though you struggle sometimes, I feel like for the most part you're more able to navigate your life than I realize.  I hope that this is true, and I hope that on the days when things don't go well or are upsetting, you'll always know you can talk to me about it.

Some of my favorite times with you are in the evenings or at bedtime when you just want to talk.  It's really fascinating and fun to just talk to you about your day, the things you think about, and watch you become who you are going to be.  You still want to cuddle with me, and sometimes I'm annoyed because it's a little hard to sleep on those nights I'm squished between your giant body and Danny's little one.  But then I remember that you won't want to cuddle with your mom for that much longer, and I put my arm around you and you are warm, and we are content.

With you, and with Danny, I've started to feel the first pangs of not understanding a younger
generation.  Your obsession with Discord and YouTube and all of that online world is a mystery to me.  You play games together that I look at and cannot fathom why or how it is entertaining or fun.  But you seem to love it.  At least you have each other to talk to!

In the last couple of months, I feel like you and Danny have hit some new stride.  Yes, you still fight.  Like, all the time.  You still get annoyed by your little brother like all big brothers do sometimes.  But there are days where you spend hours playing together, doing online role plays in Roblox or playing with swords and stuffed animals and making up crazy stories in your room.  I try to stay out of the way when this happens.  It seems like you always get along better when I'm not in the room to mess with the sibling energy.  It makes me really happy when you play together, and I still hope that when you grow up you'll be best friends.

You're going to middle school next year, and while I am a little bit freaked out by it, at the same time I am less worried than I expected to be.  I think that having more teachers is good for you, it has been this year.  I think that you'll meet more kids from other elementary schools who like the same things you do.  I am really hopeful that you will thrive as you get older.

I hope that this year we will be able to transition into the stable home life that you deserve.  Once Scott and I both have steady, stable jobs and we can get our own place I feel like we will really be able to settle into a routine as a little family of four.  It has already been pretty amazing starting to come together that way, and I can't wait to take that next step with all three of my favorite guys.

Sometimes I feel like I am not enough, because the last few years have been so hard for us as a family.  There has been so much change and there still is so much uncertainty in our lives.  But one thing that is never uncertain is that you have so many people around you that love you.  I think that has made all the difference, and I'm so grateful for it.  I hope that when you look back on your childhood, that is what you see.

This year, you'll be transitioning to full-time glasses, and I strongly suspect that in next year's birthday photo you may have some shiny braces on your teeth.  One thing I'm looking forward to this year is getting you back into swimming lessons because you love it so much, and continuing that.

Sam, you may be big, but you will always be my baby.  It seems like just yesterday that I held you with your full head of shocking blonde white hair and dark baby eyes, and realized a piece of my heart lived outside my body now.  Happy Birthday, my first baby.

Love,
Mom

Firsts This Year!

First Big Trouble: Lying to your mom!  You lied about taking your pills.  WHAT!  It was shocking and strange, and almost a little bit funny.

Favorites!

Favorite Book: Diary of a Wimpy Kid, Heroes in Training
Favorite Color: Blue?
Favorite Song:  Counting Stars - One Republic
Favorite Board Game: ?
Favorite Video Game: All of the Paper Mario Games, Super Smash Bros
Favorite TV Show: Not sure... we just started Futurama and you seem to like it!
Favorite YouTubers: DanTDM, Crainer, Pat & Jen, Smosh, JackSepticEye
Favorite Food: Toast, Chocolate Chip Waffles
Favorite Dessert: Oreos
Favorite Thing to Do Outside the House: Red Robin or Tinos, Swimming
Favorite Subject at School: Recess
Best Friend: Ashaan, Ezra, Charlie

Ten
Nine
Eight
Seven
Six
Five.Two
Five.One
Four 
Three 
Two
One
Birth Story

Nine.

Dear Sam,

Today is your ninth birthday. Nine years and four hours ago, you came into this world and changed my life forever. We have been together for half the time now that it will take for you to get to 18, and "adulthood" as defined by society at large.

I look at you now, and you are this person, this real, big person who takes up nearly the space of an adult but is still so young. When I hug you, it isn't like hugging a little boy anymore. You are in the in-between, no longer so little, but certainly still my little boy in many ways. You want privacy, but in the dead of night, every night, you still crawl into my bed.

Recently I have started leaving you at home by yourself for short periods of time. It is a big deal, and not a big deal. You are fine by yourself and not doing anything different than you would be if I were there. Sometimes if you don't want to run an errand with Danny and I, I just let you stay. I think independence is important.

Another new phenomenon is that you go outside to play. You've made friends with a boy who is in your class and lives in the same condos we do, and he has a sister who is 6. It started with you going down there to play. You walked by yourself, and it's not far, but at the same time the first few times I was a bit nervous. Your range was increasing by a lot considering how little you've explored our neighborhood. At first it was just you and Ashaan but then his sister started to play too, and then, suddenly it was the four of you. And one day, you all said you were going outside to play, and the door shut, your laughter trailing behind you.

It was SO quiet. I'm not used to being in such a quiet house anymore. I stood in the kitchen, and I didn't know what to do with myself. It is freedom, for me, in having a moment to breathe, and for you, in having a world to explore on your own, as your own person.

I still worry about you sometimes. I don't think you've ever been an average kid, not in a lot of ways. You are very smart, and you've always been a bit different. You are a chatterbox, you love to talk. You are still working with the special ed team at school in social skills group. Sometimes, I see it work. You are kind, and you are able to hold your own in a conversation with an adult. Sometimes I think that other kids might think you're weird, but then I remember that most 9 year olds are kind of weird in their own ways.

Things have sure changed since Kindergarten. Last week, we went to the Spring Fling carnival at your school. All night, you were saying hello to different friends and they were saying hello to you. I am so happy and proud that you have been able to connect with people more this year! It is wonderful to watch you cultivate friendships and enjoy them. I know that sometimes you feel sad because people don't want to play the games that you do. It can be lonely when that happens. But for the most part, I think you are growing and have made huge strides.

We still deal with some health issues, but I'm hoping by mid-summer we'll have it all fixed. This will be our first summer where I work full time and you're not with Grandma. I signed you up for day camp through the YMCA and I think you're going to have a great time.

You are big, but you'll always be my baby. You have tons of freckles, and we don't know where they came from, but we love them. You say you don't like them, but sometimes I can't stop staring it you. The last few years have been challenging for us, I know. I hope that when you're grown and you look back you'll have good memories to go along with the hard times. You are my little buddy, and I can't wait to see what you do next.

I love you.
Mommy

Firsts This Year!

First Science Fair: Sam designed his own experiment involving baking soda and vinegar, using three different types of vinegar to see which had the best reaction.
First Home Alone Time: Sam stayed home by himself for the first time this year!
First Time in a Kayak: Sam recently went kayaking during after school care and paddled around all by himself!

Favorites!

Favorite Book: Geronimo Stilton
Favorite Color: Black
Favorite Song:  Let Her Go by Passenger
Favorite Board Game: Dizios, Monopoly
Favorite Video Game: Mario Party 10, Animal Jam, Five Nights at Freddies
Favorite TV Show: The Amazing World of Gumball
Favorite YouTubers: JackSepticEye, LuigiKid
Favorite Food: Pizza, Mac & Cheese, Chicken Nuggets, Waffles
Favorite Dessert: Cookie Dough Ice Cream
Favorite Thing to Do Outside the House: Playing around the neighborhood with Ashaan & Corinna, Go to Rocket Donuts or Red Robin, Perch and Play, Jump Around Fun Zone
Favorite Subject at School: Math
Best Friend: Ashaan

Eight
Seven
Six
Five.Two
Five.One
Four 
Three 
Two
One
Birth Story

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